Feeling frustated.
thought I already knew that all of them ended up at nice places--MIT applied math, Standford computer science, MIT Law, Oxford Classics--and quite some time ago, still can't help but to envy them, even to this date.
but more importantly, what is wrong with me? Why can't I go to places like these? Should I simply assume that where I am is where God wants me to be? That ultimately I have no power over where I can go?
what's even worse is that I cannot articulate well--not in any language! I have no first language. I was stripped of my dunamis, if you will, since that day, 31 August, 2007. well I'm not blaming anyone, but just stating a fact.
and yet, that--being midway through everything--is also not why I'm frustrated today. I think it's probably related, though. What I'm frustated about today is my inability to connect. to people, of course. I simply don't know how to deal with them. I find most people "cute," and nothing else. I don't have any other adjective, anything else do describe people, in general. Either they're "cute" or not. If not, well, I won't say abominable, obnoxious or anything else--they're simply not cute. That's not even the matter--but of course, it relates to the matter. The matter, the matter, then, is this. I find it very difficult to fathom what the signs given by people mean. That includes language, of course, but also gestures, emotional signs, etc. In particular, I believe that most people have a far-reaching intention with their words and gestures, but I can only gather the very first, the closest stop of their signal. "Do you have time tomorrow?" --they'll say, and I'll think, "Alright, so this fella wants me for something tomorow." But for what? And why? What is it that they ultimately find valuable in me that can possibly be worthwhile to spend time dwelling on? Over time, I've learned that my company may be simply emotionally soothing, and also for that moment being. That is, there's nothing else, nothing far-reached or hidden in their wanting of my presence. And that, that is a troublesome fact to me. For I assume that people form relationships simply for some use, for some value. I rarely find another's presence simply good--no, I've always wanted someone's company for something else. I mean, at times I do find that, "Ah, it's(or it'd be) nice to have you here now, at this moment, with me." But these always come as accidents. I can never plan to include someone's company for the sake of pleasure.
So I don't seem unhappy--often, I'm quite happy. As long as these accidents in life keep coming, I'll be happy. But the thing is, I don't long for anyone. I simply don't, well, I suppose, love. That's not even the biggest problem, for I think what's underlying this inability to love is the very fact that I don't have a stable personality, a unified character over time. I awake every morning, finding myself to be a fresh personality. I thought I am, but--thank goodness--my acquiantances know me as one. But I kinda have to rediscover myself daily. I need books, I need friends, I need others--some consistent presences--to reaffirm my existence as a unifying being.
And so the thing is, I fail, again and again. Because I spend most of my energy on self-discovery, self-knowledge of some sort. I don't grow, I don't transform via learning, via socializing. I stay where I am after each day.
I suppose there's naturally no conclusion to this, so halt will I.
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